“What do you do when you are the bad guy in your own story?”
It’s a question I heard on a recent episode of Heartland. The character who said it was a man who abandoned his wife and daughters because he was an alcoholic and drug addict. For many years, he was entirely out of their lives until he reached a point where he wanted to change his life.
He started by doing the work to get sober.
Then, he got a stable job.
Finally, after they were adults and their mom passed, he returned to their lives, asking for forgiveness and a chance at a relationship. At first, this didn’t go well at all. He was too quick to look for respect when they didn’t even trust him. But over time, he learned how to be a better Dad. They left their defenses down, and their relationship grew. By the time he asked this question and was dealing with his regrets, he remarried, had a solid business, and was actively involved in the lives of his children and grandchildren. Still, he needed to know how to forgive himself.
Watching this television program reminded me of a conversation I had with a man after the Teen Challenge Mantour. He shared that even though he’d gone through the program and been sober for almost two years, his family (especially his kids) struggled to rebuild the relationship. While he was excited about what Christ was doing in his life, they still weren’t sure if they could trust him. Was this just another tangent their Dad was on that would ultimately end in heartache? He admitted their fears were legitimate.
He ended by sharing that he realized that all he could do was continue faithfully following Christ and allowing God to continue making him into the man he needed to be. His prayer is that with time and consistency, his family will see that the change is real and give him another chance. Either way, he said he’s committed to following God and changing his life.
I believe that is the first answer to “What do you do if you are the bad guy in your own story?”
You have to make your own commitment to change, no matter the results.
You must want to change more than you want your next breath and commit to doing the work necessary to make the change happen.
Of course, it all begins by coming to Jesus, asking Him to forgive you of your sins, and turning your life over to Him. Submitting your life to Christ is an absolutely essential step.
However, it doesn’t end there. Saying a sinner’s prayer doesn’t make things magically change.
It’s the starting point, not the finish line.
The next step is committing to spending time with God every day so that you can build a personal relationship with Him.
You need to faithfully be in God’s Word, reading and studying it so that you can see the changes God wants to make in your life.
As the Holy Spirit convicts you of sin or shows you areas where you need to change, you need to do everything necessary to make the changes.
For some, it will mean stopping drinking or doing drugs.
For others, it means dealing with your issues of anger or pornography.
Some things you can pray through and work through on your own, but for other issues, you may have to go to a Bible-believing, Spirit-filled counselor. There’s no shame in this—it’s part of doing whatever it takes to get free.
Some may need a support group like Celebrate Recovery.
The odds are that you will need an accountability partner.
All of these are essential steps in changing your life, abandoning your old ways of life, and becoming the man God wants you to be.
That is the first step—committing to change.
Then, you need to humbly ask those you have hurt to forgive you.
Go to them and admit you were wrong without expecting anything in return from them.
Remember—they don’t owe you anything—you owe them everything because you damaged them.
Allow them the time and the space to process their feelings, ask questions, raise doubts, and say what they need to say. Throughout this process (which may take time,) continue in an attitude of repentance and humility, understanding their perspective.
Along the way, do your part in rebuilding the relationship.
Be kind.
Show love.
Remember them on the holidays, even if they don’t reciprocate.
Show up. Be consistent. Be the man you say you want to be.
Keep growing. Keep changing. Keep proving that God has made a change in your life, and you are not going to backslide. Pray that God changes their hearts to allow you back into their lives.
What do you do if you are the bad man in your own story?
Repent, change, and choose to spend the rest of your life making up for lost time.
Yes, forgive yourself, but don’t forget. Instead, let the memory fill you with such gratitude that you spend the rest of your life serving the God Who changed you and never taking the ones around you for granted.
Be like Paul, who said, “I was the chief of sinners, but God saved me. Now I’ll live the rest of my life bringing Him glory.”
This is a trustworthy saying, and everyone should accept it: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”—and I am the worst of them all. But God had mercy on me so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners.
Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him and receive eternal life.
All honor and glory to God forever and ever! He is the eternal King, the unseen one who never dies; he alone is God. Amen. (1 Timothy 1:15-17, NLT)
Bibliography: “Spark to Flame.” Heartland, created by Murray Shostak, season number 16, episode number 4, Seven24 Films, 2022.
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